Emotional Labor That Extends Well Past the Divorce

Constant reminders about important events, hostile conversations, worrying about your child’s emotional wellbeing–these are features of both a failing relationship, and a former couple trying to co-parent following divorce. It’s easy to imagine that post-divorce, you will get a reprieve from the emotional labor you have been performing, but this often is not the case, especially when children are involved. 

At the Law Offices Of Cara L. Santosuosso, LLC, our team of collaborative divorce lawyers and child custody attorneys understands what you are going through, and we are here to help. While it can be difficult to navigate your evolving role post-divorce, we hope that the information in this article will be useful.

What Is Emotional Labor?

Before we can get into practical and meaningful advice, we should set the stage with a basic definition of what exactly emotional labor is. To put it simply, emotional labor is the work that a partner in a relationship does to manage other peoples’ emotions. This can often involve actions like planning, remembering, and resolving. 

From scheduling meals and managing household chores and finances to scheduling doctor appointments and remembering important dates and events, the partner in a relationship who handles this load of emotional labor is relied on by others in the family. They typically go above and beyond to ensure that everyone else is happy and cared for, while, at the same time, inducing or suppressing their own emotions to meet expectations and prevent conflict. Over time, working so hard to foster a desired state in others while not attending to their own mental health can lead to exhaustion and burnout.

Why Emotional Labor Continues After Divorce

Most parents acknowledge that there is a good bit of emotional labor involved with raising children–that’s to be expected. However, what may not be expected is for one parent to shoulder all of the responsibility and additional emotional labor when dealing with their ex-spouse. While a divorce will end some of the work involved in managing everyone else, the partner who does the scheduling, remembering and planning will still have to do quite a bit once the relationship is dissolved if they are co-parenting their shared child(ren).

The relationship doesn’t fully end if children are involved because you are still communicating regularly, coordinating decisions and managing shared responsibilities. Divorce ends the marriage–not the emotional responsibility. The goal to maintain peace and stability in relationships becomes focused more on co-parenting, communication, and conflict management. Unfortunately, you could find yourself managing the mental load of not one, but two households. This could include constant scheduling, logistics, and communication, trying to anticipate issues before they arise, and attempting to keep everything running smoothly across both environments. This is an unrealistic goal, and it can quickly lead to burnout, resentment or imbalance.

Forgotten birthdays, sports events or playdates. Disputes over a child’s care, education, and medical treatment. Reminders upon reminders, all while also trying to juggle your child’s reactions and feelings to what appears as thoughtless, selfish actions and can feel to them like negligence or a lack of love. There is a lot that is out of your control, no matter how many reminders or nudges you give. 

In the end, the mental and emotional load you are carrying may not be worth it, and it typically does not work to fully shield your child from your ex’s carelessness. Oftentimes you will find that the true goal is simply to focus on your child's wellbeing when they are with you and to do all you can to support them. While in a relationship the emotionally dependent parent was propped up by your stabilizing efforts, after divorce, they have to stand on their own. We will get into some suggestions to navigate these turbulent waters, but no one should feel that they have to do all the emotional labor in a co-parenting situation. Focus your limited energy on loving and caring for your child and taking care of your own mental health so that you can be there as a support that they can rely on.

Successfully Managing the Emotional Labor of Co-Parenting

Emotional labor requires constant self-regulation and consistent self check-ins. Managing communication with an ex-spouse is a must to ensure that you are not becoming overwhelmed by the mental and emotional load that is involved. These are some key ways in which you can ensure that when you communicate with your child’s other parent, you are protecting your wellbeing:

• Carefully choosing words: stick to facts and center language around your child’s wellbeing, wishes, and needs while avoiding words that cast blame
• Avoiding conflict escalation: leave the past and hurt feelings out of the conversation and avoid blaming, shaming, or casting judgement
• Deciding when to respond vs. disengage: if there is no way that a situation will resolve before it escalates or if your ex is deliberately trying to provoke you, it may be in your best interest to simply ignore and pick the topic up at a later time

Successful conflict management and de-escalation typically involves things like staying calm during disagreements, navigating difficult personalities or unresolved tension, and always keeping conversations child-focused. This is hard work. If you are the parent who carries more of this burden, it can be a struggle to stay centered and balanced. Add to this the emotional buffering you may need to do for your children and the situation can easily become overwhelming. 

Just remember that while you do not want to intentionally bad-mouth your child’s other parent, it is not your responsibility to sugar-coat their negligence or selfish behavior. Coming up with a neutral response when they express disappointment or hurt can help you to acknowledge their feelings without amplifying them. Stay focused on helping your child(ren) to process their transitions between your two homes–the goal is to maintain stability for your child, even when things feel unstable. Their other parent now has to try and shoulder the emotional labor you have been doing for years, and if they refuse or fail, it will show. Your job is to keep your child safe, happy and feeling loved. 

When Dealing With An Abusive Ex

When it comes to divorce that involves domestic or intimate partner abuse, co-parenting children becomes especially tricky. Oftentimes, the aggressor feels threatened by not having power and control, and this can show up in how they handle co-parenting–they may be angry, hostile, and worse. In cases like these, while not ideal for the children, parallel parenting with an abusive ex-partner often becomes the better solution.

As opposed to co-parenting in which both parents have frequent communication, make many shared decisions regarding their child’s care, and take a unified and cooperative approach to parenting, parallel parenting involves far less communication. Parents often take their own separate approach and have distinct parenting styles white maintaining a low-contact, needs-only relationship. 

It can be tempting to try and deny the difficult parent any access to your child, however experts agree that children do best when they can maintain relationships with both parents after divorce. The exception would be abuse or violence–these should not be tolerated and can undo any benefit of your child’s time spent with the parent. Work with your divorce lawyer to ensure that your child’s best interests are taken into account when handling the legalities of child custody and parenting matters.

Work With An Experienced Cleveland Child Custody Attorney

Society may not see all of the invisible work you do by carrying the emotional load in a relationship, but at the Law Offices Of Cara L. Santosuosso, LLC, we do. We know that this labor goes far beyond “just parenting” and that it can take a serious toll on your mental health and your child’s wellbeing. With the help of an experienced divorce lawyer on your team, you can rest assured that your rights and your child’s best interests will be protected at every turn.

Our skilled divorce and child custody attorneys understand what is at stake and will work hard to ensure that you always receive a fair and equitable outcome and that your children are protected. For help in navigating divorce and child custody coordination with a contentious ex-partner, reach out and contact us today. We are here to help.